he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
