i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
