I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
