I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
