Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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