The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
