i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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