I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
