I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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