Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
