I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just cut my nipple shaving
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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