So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
