Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
