i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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