just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize