just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The power of my boobs compel you
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
