i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
