Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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