I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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