a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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