I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize