If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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