Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Last nightโs booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, weโre hunting dick tonight
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
