I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
