Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
