dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
