We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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