I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
