i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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