I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
