My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
