dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
