i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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