Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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