Got a toothbrush?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
