end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize