Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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