I looked at my own cervix.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
