I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize