My cat gives me a boner
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
