He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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