how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize