I'm lost and stupid without you.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
