Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
