I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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