Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
