maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize