3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
