watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
