Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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