I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
