tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
