Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
