remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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