70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize