apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
