I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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