This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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