there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
