Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
