Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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