Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
