LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
